Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
