Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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