One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
