I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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