Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
