How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
