Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
