I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
