This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
