I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Boobs are out for the taking
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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