Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
