I faked an abortion last night.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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