He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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