I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
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