hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
