I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
whose parrot is this?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
