the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He better not be in your backpack
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dick very happy bro
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
