Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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