I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
