There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
