its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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