I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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