NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
