i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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