I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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