my mouth tastes like poor choices
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
