Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
