I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
