how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
