I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
