I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
