I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
