he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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