I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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