So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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