You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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