my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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