By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
