no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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