i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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