apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
