Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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