I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
