I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
