I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My vagina just recognized that song.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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