I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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