I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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