My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize