just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
