I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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