I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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