the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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