Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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