I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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