the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
