When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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