Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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