Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
