Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
