Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
