Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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